


Compatible Companions

by StellarLibraryLady



Series: Star Trek Incandescent Hearts [12]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: AU, Angst and Humor, Bickering, Companionship, Compatibility, Cupid Being Naughty, Explicit Language, Fluff and Humor, Friendship, Friendship issues, Incandescent Hearts (Star Trek Series), M/M, New Friends, One Shot, Pining, Relationship Issues, Slow Build, Workplace Issues, spones - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-21
Updated: 2017-03-21
Packaged: 2018-10-08 16:40:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10391211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StellarLibraryLady/pseuds/StellarLibraryLady
Summary: New, compatible friends have been found for Spock and McCoy.  This should solve their bickering problem and make life aboard the Enterprise more peaceful.Right?





	

Kirk stared at the door to his quarters as it whooshed shut, then turned to Spock. “You know, maybe you shouldn’t bait McCoy like that. He takes it to heart what you say to him.”

“He brings it all on himself, Captain,” Spock reiterated as he crossed his arms over his chest and gave Kirk a haughty look.

“But you hurt his feelings, and that isn’t nice for you to do.”

“And it is not nice to hear constantly about his wild ravings and exaggerations. It gets old after awhile and quite tiresome. I would welcome a change from that.”

“Yes-s-s,” Kirk agreed as he drew the word out. “I could understand why a change would be welcomed.” He frowned. “I suppose I did you both a disservice by throwing you together so much the way I have. Your opposite viewpoints have been invaluable to me and to Star Fleet. But I can see how it wasn’t to the benefit of either of you, though.”

Spock uncrossed his arms and relaxed. “I have been proud to serve you and Star Fleet in whatever capacity I could, Captain.”

“I know you have. McCoy has done a commendable job in those areas, also. And maybe it is time that you were both recognized for your service.”

“I am certain that Dr. McCoy would echo my sentiments when I say that we were only doing our duty.”

“And your jobs. But there’s more to life than duty and careers, Mr. Spock. There is also peace of mind and personal fulfillment. I can see that I have been negligent of both when it comes to you gentlemen.”

“I am certain that is not your responsibility as commanding officer of a Starship to be our social director.”

“But it is as friend to both of you. Good command doesn’t always stick to the rule book. That’s something that you have a problem understanding, I’m sure. Sometimes common sense and decency should enter in.”

“And I suppose that the good doctor would agree with you most readily.”

“Probably,” Kirk agreed.

“And since he is not at the moment present, you are presenting his viewpoint.”

“No, Mr. Spock, I am presenting my viewpoint. I do, on occasion, form my own opinion without consulting either one of you. I sincerely hope that I am still capable of doing that," Kirk snipped.

“Of course, Captain.”

“Spock, I’m sorry. That was unkind of me. I believe that we are both beginning to sound rather prissy ourselves.”

“I believe that we are, Captain.”

Kirk grinned. “You didn’t have to agree with me so quickly on that point.”

“But I did agree with your thesis, and no amount of time delay would change that.” Spock shrugged. “So I might as well concur as soon as I thought would be appropriate, which was immediately.”

Kirk’s grin broadened. “Mr. Spock, you are a gem!”

“Thank you, Captain. I quite appreciate that evaluation from you,” Spock admitted with a self-satisfied look on his face. 

In the back of his mind, Spock was also aware that if McCoy had made the same statement, Spock would have demanded to know what kind of gemstone McCoy thought he was? Precious, or merely semi-precious? A worthy comparison of Spock‘s sterling character, or a slight against Spock? And in what form of a mineral? Polished, or as found in nature? Refined, or merely natural? Pitchblende, or uranium? Diamond, or zircon?

Spock could do fifteen minutes of mind-numbing questioning of McCoy that would be guaranteed to send the medical doctor careening for the door with mental, if not actual, frothing at the mouth. Then Spock would smile in haughty grandeur. His work was done. He had succeeded in driving McCoy literally crazy with the use of nitpicking language. It did so warm the cockles of Spock’s heart to think of what Spock could do to manipulate McCoy. 

Spock frowned and wondered, though, about where exactly in his heart that his cockles were located.

 

But, later, long after Spock had gone to his quarters on the other side of their shared bathroom, Jim Kirk sat and thought over what he and Spock had discussed. Kirk had used Spock and McCoy for his own benefit so much that he had forgotten that it might not be in their best interests. The two could barely tolerate each other, and it was beginning to show on both of them. It was beginning not to be FUN for them. 

Kirk had become so accustomed to their bickering that it really didn’t register with him anymore. It was just part of his life, just as they themselves were. But there was a definite strain between them. They needed a break from each other. Kirk pondered. Maybe even a permanent break. 

No, he wouldn’t consider that, not for awhile. But maybe they could have a chance to work with more amiable people, people who would be more suited for them. Kirk could still have their feedback, but the two wouldn’t have to be thrown together so much, if ever.

Kirk breathed deeply. The fresh air of potential change was exhilarating to his stale lungs. 

Kirk’s eyes brightened with a sudden idea. Maybe it could all be taken a step further and involve more than a change in the workplace for his friends. Maybe perfectly suited people on a social scale could be found for Spock and McCoy. New companions, as it were.

Yes, Kirk thought with satisfaction. He would have new, compatible friends found for Spock and McCoy. New people in their lives who would suit and nurture them exactly. Yes, what a good idea! Kirk would do this special thing for his friends!

 

The four men stood looking at each other in Kirk‘s quarters. Spock and McCoy had just shown up and glanced with interest and curiosity at the stranger standing with Kirk.

“Gentlemen, I thought that we could do this informally with a drink in our hands.“

“You know that a drink is always appreciated, Jim,“ McCoy said in his most charming way as he accepted his bourbon.

“I knew you would approve, Bones.“ Kirk smiled at the man beside him. “Gentlemen, I would like you to meet Mr. Toban.”

Spock and McCoy mumbled greetings and studied the middle-aged gentleman with luxuriant white hair. Toban wore grayish tweed slacks with matching long sleeved tunic. The tunic had no collar. Instead, red material like satin edged the neckline and extended down the front to the hem of the belted tunic. The red satin-like material also edged the long sleeves and looked quite smart and dashing on Mr. Toban. It seemed to be a uniform, but none that the two Enterprise officers could place. It certainly wasn’t an outfit that either would choose for themselves, but seemed to suit Mr. Toban perfectly.

“Gentlemen.” Toban nodded solemnly at Spock and McCoy in turn, but did not offer a hand to be shaken.

“Mr. Toban,” McCoy answered. “Welcome aboard the Enterprise. I hope that you have an enjoyable visit.”

“Thank you, Doctor, but I‘m not actually a visitor.” 

“Oh?“ McCoy said with interest. “Then you are a man on a mission.“

Toban chuckled amiably. “You could say that.“ He turned to Spock. “And what do you make of me, Mr. Spock? You seem to be assessing me.”

“Precisely, sir. I am assessing you. I do not know yet what to make of you, though, as the idiom goes.”

Toban had a slight smile. “I hope that you are not going to prejudge me.”

“I will try not to, sir. But, on the other hand, I do not know your reason to be visiting us here on the Enterprise, either.”

“You are correct. You don‘t,” Toban said, then turned. “Captain Kirk, your First Officer does get right to the point.”

“That he does, Mr. Toban,” Kirk replied with an answering smile. “We find that quite refreshing around here.”

“Unless you find yourself at the wrong end of that point,” McCoy grumbled.

“Ah, Dr. McCoy, what a delight!” Toban said with glee. “And refreshing in your own way, I understand.”

“See, Spock?” McCoy said with satisfaction as he turned toward the Vulcan. “Even strangers can recognize it. I’m refreshing.”

“In your own way,” Spock reminded him haughtily.

McCoy’s eyes flared and he opened his mouth to retaliate, but Kirk spoke up first.

“As you can see, Mr. Toban, we are greatly in need of your services.”

Toban chuckled. “I can most readily see that, Captain.”

“Might I be so bold as to inquire what your services might be, Mr. Toban?” Spock asked. “Since they most assuredly involve Dr. McCoy and myself?”

“Why, gladly, Mr. Spock!” Toban said with enthusiasm. “I am a relationship therapist, and I have been engaged to help you and Dr. McCoy with your problems together.“

“Oh, Mr. Toban,“ McCoy chuckled. “You seem like a very outgoing and charismatic person yourself, and I am quite sure that you are quite capable in your line of work. But even you should recognize an impossible situation when you see one. Spock and I don’t need our relationship mended. We need it severed.“

“Well, that’s what I’m here to help you two do.“

McCoy frowned. “Eh?“

“Captain Kirk realized that you two were to the place where open hostilities could result if you were together in a work and social environment much longer. That can be emotionally draining and counter productive on all levels from personal to professional. No, Dr. McCoy, I am not here to reconcile you two.“ He smiled cheerfully. “I am here to bring compatible companions into your lives.”

Spock raised an eyebrow.

McCoy did more than that. He was interested. “Companions?!”

“Compatible companions, Doctor. Agreeable ones for each of you.”

McCoy got a pleased look on his face. “Well, now, that will be a treat.”

“Your captain wanted to do something nice for you, as a thank you for many long months of performing your duty so gallantly and so thoroughly.”

“Well, now you’re talking! Jim, you shouldn’t have! But I, for one, will be mighty grateful! Yes, sir, no more sass from old sassy mouth over there!” He nodded toward Spock.

Spock shot him a disgruntled look. “And no more illogical statements from you with inconsistent arguments to support your inconsistent viewpoints. Sanity and order will once again reign on the Enterprise.”

“Well, not quite the whole Enterprise, Spock,” Kirk put in. “Just your section of it. McCoy will still be here, only in his own sector.”

“What about the labs?” McCoy asked. “Spock and I share those.”

“A schedule can be arranged so that you can have the labs at different times. I’m certain that some sort of practical arrangement can be drawn up.”

“It will be a pleasure!” McCoy barked.

“There will be times when we will still be thrown together. Officers’ meetings. Ceremonial affairs. Landing parties.”

“I will try to reduce those down to as few as possible, Spock. I am going to do as much in my power to keep the two of you apart!”

“McCoy is my doctor.”

“I’ll turn you over to the intern. No problem there. He likes a challenge. And the poor devil is about to get one,” McCoy muttered in an aside that really wasn’t meant to be an aside. 

It was intended to hit home, and it did.

There! Hope you felt that one, Vulcan!

Spock glared at him. There, McCoy! You require a bath now! Go take one!

McCoy smirked back. Missed me by a mile, Vulcan! Is that all you got?! You’re getting old! Or slow! Or both!

A shimmering veil of disapproval fell over Spock’s eyes as he narrowed them at McCoy.

“Yes,” Toban remarked. “I can see that the situation is dire. We should get started immediately.”

McCoy was practically dancing on the balls of his feet. “Well, I for one can’t wait to get started!”

“There’s no time like the present, gentlemen,” Kirk announced. “Bones, do you want to go with Mr. Toban now and meet your compatible companion?”

“It will be my pleasure, Jim!” McCoy’s eyes were snapping with pleasure. “Spock, may I say I hope that I never see you again!”

“Likewise, I am sure, Doctor,” Spock said coldly.

“Just as warm and personable as ever! Do you see my problem now, Mr. Toban?”

“Fascinating! Absolutely fascinating!”

“That’s generally his line!” McCoy said, pointing at the miffed Vulcan. “See, Spock?! Somebody else can use that line, also! Alright, Mr. Toban. I’ve said my goodbyes. Lead on, Macduff!”

“Oh, how droll!” Toban chuckled as they walked toward the door. “Macbeth? Right?”

McCoy stopped at the opened door and looked back at Spock with blazing eyes. “See, Vulcan?! Someone else knows something in this universe! Not just you!” He turned toward Toban. “I think I’m going to like meeting my compatible companion.”

“I hope so. You are a perfect match.”

The door whooshed shut behind them. Kirk and Spock stared at the closed door for a moment in silence.

“Well, can you imagine that?” Kirk said in the suddenly too quiet silence. “Two McCoys in the universe.”

But Spock was frowning. “Actually, what Dr. McCoy said is a famous misquote of Shakespeare’s. The actual line is ‘Lay on, Macduff, and damned be to him who first cries Hold! Enough!’”

“That’s all very interesting, Mr. Spock. But the only one to whom you had to make a point is no longer with us,” Kirk said gently. “I would never have challenged you, nor would anyone else. Only McCoy.”

“I’m only too well aware of that, Captain. Now, if you’ll excuse me? I’ve got some work to do in my room.”

“Of course. I’ll see you for lunch, then?”

“Lunch. Yeah. That’ll be fine.” And he disappeared out the Captain’s front door.

Kirk stood staring at his front door. Why did Spock go that way to his room when it would have been much easier to go through their adjoining bathroom? Kirk listened. In fact, for several minutes he listened intently. But he heard no noises from Spock’s side. Wherever Spock had gone, it wasn’t to his room.

And that wasn’t the only part of his behavior that seemed wrong to Kirk. Just before he left, Spock had used the slang ‘Yeah’ and had littered several sentences with a string of contractions. Spock did not use slang or contractions. But he just had.

Spock’s generally impeccable English was not so impeccable, anymore.

Spock had clearly been jarred out of his comfort zone.

Was Spock upset?

And if so, why?

 

If Spock had been upset by McCoy’s departure, he did not stay that way long, especially after he met the compatible companion selected for him by Mr. Toban.

Christy Warren was a balding man nearing middle age. He had a rather plain, but pleasant face that belied a sharp wit and an I.Q. approaching two hundred. His brain was more computer than impulse flashes and more storage house of facts and memories than sentiment. In other words, a duplication of Spock’s mind. 

He worked in the computer department, a dream job if Spock had ever heard of one. Well, Spock conceded, second best dream job on the Enterprise. Spock, of course, already had the dream job on the best Starship in the fleet. 

Spock worked ON THE BRIDGE OF THE ENTERPRISE. Could anything possibly be better in the universe?!

And he was SECOND IN COMMAND. He was the power behind the throne, and he didn’t mind that one bit. That was the way he preferred it. He knew that he was not like the charismatic Kirk. He could lead, but not the way that Kirk did. Yet, he got in on the excitement of decision making. Kirk still consulted him. Of course, it used to be a lot more exciting and stimulating when he had argued (call it what it was, for heaven’s sake!) with Leonard McCoy about possible courses of action. Kirk had listened to the two of them and had made his decisions from what they said. 

Of course, Mr. Spock had golden opportunities to discuss a wide variety of topics now. He and Mr. Warren could sit for hours and talk. They hopped from subject to subject with the agility of heat-sensitive kangaroos on the hottest desert floor in Australia. No topic was beneath them, and no topic was obscure enough to be overlooked.

Warren had a particular interest in all things medical, and it appeared to Spock that Warren would have been an excellent choice for McCoy. Spock and Warren spoke of medical subjects, though, and the two of them enjoyed doing laboratory experiments together, so Spock didn‘t miss his medical sessions with McCoy all that much.

Spock came out those talking sessions with Warren mentally and physically exhausted. At those times there was nothing more that he wanted than his bed. There he would sleep contented for hours and awake refreshed and ready for another learned session with Warren.

This was wonderful! Spock had never felt so mentally stimulated in a long time. He had been needing something like this and had not realized it. Thought in its purest form! Discussion without high flung platitudes! Knowledge for knowledge sake, and not just for making points and keeping score of verbal jibes!

This was wonderful, indeed!

Of course, there were still times when Spock would think of something and wonder how McCoy would react to it. Occasionally, something would come out of his discussion with Warren that Spock thought he must remember to tell McCoy. That detail would really interest McCoy. Or prove McCoy wrong about something that he had sworn to Spock to be true. Or just something that would make them both smile in quiet companionship. 

Those were the occasions that Spock had the hardest time telling himself that McCoy wouldn’t be interested anymore. McCoy didn’t want to talk to him anymore. He had new stimulation.

Those were the times that Spock wondered how McCoy was getting along with his new compatible companion.

 

McCoy was getting along wonderfully with his new friend.

Agnes Comstock was a woman just past her prime, but McCoy didn’t mind that. He was breathing down the throat of forty himself. He had no illusions. Nor did he want to try to keep up with some young woman in her twenties. He wouldn’t even have anything in common with that age, anymore. After all, he was after sophistication and charm and gentle ways, and he found it with Agnes. And Agnes did not belittle him or harp at him the way his wives had. Of course, he and Agnes had not known each other that long, and they certainly weren’t in a romantic situation.

But that was okay with McCoy. Agnes worked in the ship’s library and had encyclopedic knowledge. It had even drifted past McCoy’s thinking that a woman like that might have been a good match for Spock. But Mr. Toban had some reason for choosing the way that he did.

Agnes was a wonderful companion. She had been raised in Texas and that certainly qualified her for being from the Southern States of America. She had the charm of a true Southern lady, also. And she loved to cook for McCoy. He would also help her with her knitting, holding the yarn while they talked about everything from “Gone With The Wind” to music to politics to, to, to just everything! 

There were times when they were discussing music that McCoy wished Spock could hear what Agnes was saying. With Spock’s skill of playing musical instruments and knowledge of Earth’s music in general, the Vulcan would be so stimulated by what Agnes said. McCoy knew that Spock would love Agnes as much as he did.

Whoa! Wait a minute! He loved Agnes?! Was that supposed to happen with a compatible companion?!

Well, hell, why not?! People fell in love with their best friend every day! Why not McCoy and Agnes?!

It was time that McCoy got an even break, wasn’t it? His record with relationships wasn’t exactly sterling. Maybe this would be different.

His wives. Oh, his wives! He had loved those ladies! But he wasn’t enough for them! Hell, he was never home! He was out in space with Jim Kirk and the rest of that crazy crew off the Enterprise! McCoy couldn’t blame the ladies for leaving him. They deserved a husband who would be home every night. On Earth. And that husband couldn’t be Leonard McCoy.

And then there were the relationships with his space family. In many ways, they were the only family he had.

McCoy loved Jim Kirk, just out and out loved the man to death and would follow him anywhere. And he had done that very thing so many times. And so many times that blind devotion had almost cost him his life. But he still would follow Jim anywhere. Because he knew that Jim was larger than life, a hero, a warrior worthy of Valhalla. He loved Jim because he knew that Jim loved him back. 

But they weren’t in love. McCoy wished they were, but he knew he would never know a moment’s peace if Jim was supposed to be his mate. Because that little imp couldn’t keep it in his pants. Not for anybody would he ever swear fidelity. Well, maybe to Khan. Khan Noonien Singh had come closest to clipping Jim’s wings simply by not being around. Jim was fascinated by Khan, because Khan was so exotic and unattainable. McCoy knew that Jim pined for Khan and would stay loyal to Khan in his heart, even if he couldn’t with his body. 

Jim’s penis had nobody’s name written on it. But if one ever was, it would be Khan Noonien Singh’s.

So that was McCoy’s relationship with almost everybody he knew. Almost.

That brought McCoy down to Spock. Spock, the enigma. Spock, the thorn in his side. Spock, the man he tried to please, but couldn’t. Spock, the man he wanted to impress, but couldn’t. Spock, the man who haunted his dreams. Spock, the alien who drove him to distraction.

McCoy both loved and hated the Vulcan. He loved Spock intensely and hated him just as intensely. McCoy worried about him and sought his approval and wanted to pound him in the dirt. He figured that Spock felt the same way about him. Spock just wasn’t as vocal as McCoy about their situation.

Yes, there were contradictions in their behavior toward each other. They were contradictions by people who somehow needed each other desperately and didn‘t know how to express it.

So the two men just tended to drive each other crazy. And frustration ensued.

But if Spock was injured or ill, McCoy never left his side. And Spock did the same thing for him. 

In a crowded room, McCoy would be aware of only Spock. And he felt that Spock was aware of only him, too.

But they could not be in that same room together anymore. They didn’t need each other anymore.

For now they had compatible companions, and all was rosy for them.

 

And for awhile, all was rosy. Kirk met with Christy Warren and Agnes Comstock and got advice from them much the same way he had received advice from Spock and McCoy. They were gracious with Kirk and with each other, and everything was highly civilized and efficient.

And Kirk was bored to death with them. Yes, they helped him as they should. But they were not the companions he’d known since entering the service. He missed his friends, and he thought, he hoped, that on some level, his friends missed him and the camaraderie they had once shared.

Then the foursome, and Kirk, happened to meet for dinner one evening.

And that went well until Christy Warren and Agnes Comstock started snipping at each other over the peach mousse.

“Well, Mr. Warren, I hardly can understand why you would think that way on that proposition when common sense tells us that that theory had holes shot all the way through it back in the Twentieth Century!”

“Well, Ms. Comstock, I believe that if you took the time to do the research, you would discover that thinking was reversed by Twenty-First Century scholars!”

“And subsequently disproved in the Twenty-Second Century!”

“And currently on the board to be re-evaluated even as we speak!”

“Well,” Kirk said, putting his napkin across his plate. “This has been lovely. Suppose we call it a night, though?” he said to the others as he smiled at them without acknowledging the recent argument. “We all have early hours tomorrow. And I believe that it is time for all of us to be getting some much needed rest.”

The group pushed back their chairs.

“Spock, McCoy, a moment,” Kirk said in a low voice as he drew them aside. “Suppose you take your companions to their rooms now and put them back into their cages? Be certain to lock them in good and tight. We wouldn’t want them to escape and injure each other, now would we?” he asked with a tight smile.

“I don’t understand it, Jim. Agnes is generally such a lady.”

“Well, she unsheathed her claws tonight. Spock, make sure that Warren talks just philosophy for the rest of the evening. Anything more worldly will only incense his emotions. He doesn‘t look like a scrapper, but appearances, apparently, are misleading. Just keep him on a short leash.”

“I will do that, Captain.” Spock glanced at McCoy. Hesitation shown on his face, then he decided to speak. "I trust that you have been well, Doctor?"

McCoy gave him a lazy grin. "Why, Mr. Spock, I didn't know you even cared!"

"I was simply inquiring about your health, Doctor," Spock said with a sigh. "Apparently I was getting too personal. I sincerely apologize," he said in the most condescending voice he could muster. "In the future, if I notice that you have recently been run over by a truck, I will not inquire even then about the state of your health."

McCoy flared. "You might, just so my heirs can be sure to collect on my life insurance policy! But don't expect your name to be on it!"

"Oh? And here I thought I would finally be able to buy that planetoid that I had always wanted."

McCoy flared in his face. "Well, if it will guarantee that you'll be on it by yourself, I'll buy the damned thing for you right now!"

"Don't you two piss ants start in on each other now!" Kirk hissed. "I've had just about enough open hostilities for one jolly evening! The way those other two were acting, it's a wonder we got to eat the mousse instead of wearing it! Bones, stop acting like you're five! Before all of the crap started flying through the air, Spock asked you a decent question! Have the decency to answer him back nicely!"

"Jim's right. I wasn't nice. I'm sorry, Mr. Spock. I have been well. And yourself?"

Spock studied McCoy with a critical eye. Was McCoy serious or simply making fun of him again?

"Spock!" Kirk hissed. "It's okay! McCoy is playing nice. You play nice, too!"

"I have been well, Doctor. Thank you for asking."

"There! See?! You two can do it! All it takes is someone constantly monitoring you! And five weeks apart!"

McCoy frowned at Kirk. "Jim? I don't like that wild look in your eyes. Have you considered taking some shore leave? Preferably on a planet where people live underground, and you don't even have to see the sky or think about space?"

"Why wouldn't I be punchy, Bones?! Between you two idiots hissing and spitting at each other like a couple of tomcats in heat, and those two." He nodded toward where Warren and Agnes pretended to look anywhere but at each other. "Hell! I can't go on shore leave! I'm too busy being a referee!"

That's the last that anyone in the group communicated except for grunts and one word sentences.

The group left the table with Warren and Agnes glaring at each other. And a shaky truce between McCoy and Spock, but at least they were halfway amiable. Not so with their compatible companions, though.

Kirk sighed. 

So much for civilized table talk. They were lucky to have escaped with their lives. Talk about oil and water! Spock and McCoy were never quite that bad with each other.

Kirk frowned. On the other hand, he might simply have become used to them and didn’t notice their hostilities anymore.

 

“Spock? McCoy? Together again?” Kirk asked hopefully from his doorway.

“Stop grinning like a monkey eating excrement,” McCoy answered. “We can’t find Christy Warren and Agnes Comstock. We wondered if you had seen them.”

“No. No, can’t say that I have. Why?”

McCoy looked worried. “Well, they’re missing. And it’s not like they can take a stroll through the park on a Starship. There’s only so many places they can be.”

“Did you try their rooms?”

“Spock said Warren wasn’t in his.”

“Then did you try her room?”

“Why would they be there, together?”

Kirk gave McCoy THE look.

“No way, Jim! You’ve seen them together lately! It's like they are so much like Spock and me that they've taken up our arguments. I don't believe that Spock and I were ever that snide with each other, though."

"Quite correct, Doctor."

"It's refreshing that you two are agreeing on something," Kirk said.

"Well, it's pretty hard to miss. They hate each other. They’d rather be skinning live raccoons with their bare teeth than act civilly toward each other!”

Kirk gave McCoy THE look again.

“Come on, I’ll prove you wrong. Let’s go to Agnes’s room.”

 

When Kirk didn’t get an answer to his knock except for covert laughter, he got a little angry. “I don’t like this set up, gentlemen. Let’s advance.“

The three men burst into Agnes Comstock’s quarters.

Agnes and Warren turned at the noise. They sat at a round table, held teacups in their upraised hands, and were dressed in night clothes.

“What’s going on in here?!“ Kirk demanded.

“Why, Captain,” Warren answered amiably. “I would think that would be fairly obvious. We have been engaging in coitus.” He turned to his companion. “What would you say, dear? Five? Six times?”

Agnes wrinkled her nose at him. “I’d say, not enough, Chris!”

He winked back at her. “You are so correct, Aggie.”

Spock thought, Chris?

McCoy thought, Aggie?

Kirk thought, Shacked up together!

Kirk tried to keep the humor wiped off his face, but it was difficult to do. Their joy permeated the room. Or maybe that was just the scent of recent sexual activities. Whichever, it was stout. And the two lovers were seemingly proud of it.

“What is the meaning of this?!” Kirk demanded in his best Victorian spinster voice. He tried to imply that this sort of hanky-panky would not be tolerated on a Starship. Although he figured that on most nights, a great deal of bedroom doors were revolving on this same Starship.

“It means that we have solved the angst that was driving us both to distraction, Captain. Turns out it wasn’t angst at all. Just plain, old-fashioned sexual tension. And we figured out how to alleviate it. It was a marvelous solution, too, I might add.” He gazed enraptured at Agnes. “Simply marvelous.”

She scrunched up her shoulders and giggled at him.

Giggled?! Aggie?! Uh, Agnes?

"In fact, Dr. McCoy, Mr. Spock," Warren said as he looked from one to the other, "Aggie and I highly recommended this behavioral pattern as a means of alleviating any sort of tension in a relationship."

Spock sucked in a huge lungful of air, and McCoy found something very interesting to observe with his feet. He even had to clear his throat slightly, and Spock looked doubtful about the turn of the conversation.

But Christy Warren was not finished with his thesis. "It strips everything non-essential away. It's just the two of you. That can be very powerful." He smiled at Agnes. "And rewarding."

Agnes looked dreamy-eyed at him.

Since Spock and McCoy didn't seem to be jumping right on that advice, Kirk decided to change the subject. Besides, he was still supposed to be doing his serious, no nonsense captain thing about the blatant lack of morals being flaunted. “Where do you propose to go from here, Mr. Warren?”

Warren looked at Kirk. “Why, back to bed, Captain. We haven’t had dessert yet. Just the meat portion of our dinner.”

Kirk sucked in his breath. He didn’t dare look at McCoy for fear that they would both burst out laughing.

“Oh, Chris!” Agnes purred. 

“I mean,” Kirk sputtered. “What do you intend doing about, ah, this situation?”

“I would never have thought you to be the slightest bit Victorian, Captain Kirk.”

“I’m not, but I do have to maintain the semblance of some sort of morals on this ship. A certain decorum is recommended in society.”

“Do as I say, not as I do, Captain?” Warren quipped with a sly grin, then looked back at Agnes for her approval.

Agnes wrinkled her nose at Warren again.

McCoy had never suspected that she could wrinkle her nose like that. When had she learned to be coy?

“Well, this is what I intend doing about the situation, Captain.” Warren looked back at Agnes. “If the comely Miss Comstock would give me the honor, we would like to be married by you at your earliest convenience.”

“Oh, Chris!” Agnes gushed.

Give me a break, McCoy thought and rolled his eyes.

“I would get down on my knee to ask for her hand, but I fear that the split in my robe would reveal something of the family jewels to her that would make her forget all about hands.”

Kirk heard Agnes giggle and McCoy suck in his breath.

“Mr. Spock could be my attendant,” Warren continued, businesslike. “Christine and Nyota would stand with Aggie. They are both such lovely young ladies and have both been such helps to us.“

I bet they’ve been a help, Kirk thought. Helping a clandestine couple would appeal to both of those romantics.

“And perhaps Dr. McCoy could be convinced to give away the blushing bride,” Warren finished with his impromptu wedding party slate.

“Oh, Chris!” Agnes gushed again.

Oh, hell, McCoy thought. What else can I say?

“I would be honored to give away such a beautiful lady on her wedding day,” McCoy answered in his best Southern Gentleman voice.

“We wouldn’t even have to change clothes. These are fine,” Warren remarked. “And it would save time later on.”

“Oh, Chris!” Agnes declared with a slight tinge of color in her cheeks.

About time she was blushing, McCoy thought. Her two-word vocabulary was beginning to get monotonous, too.

Wonder how Spock is holding up, McCoy suddenly thought. These developments are probably more than Spock can handle. He sneaked a peek at the Vulcan.

Spock looked stunned.

Perhaps chocolate would help.

On second thought, there probably wasn’t that much chocolate in the universe.

McCoy thought he better stick close to Spock during the upcoming nuptials. The way Spock was acting, someone needed to make sure that he didn’t walk into closed doors or over other people. He’d probably be puzzled by the thunk!, back up, and try plowing through again. In his condition, probably not too much was going to register with him. 

McCoy better hover close to him. It would be the kindest thing he could do for all concerned. Besides, he’d been missing the Vulcan. Perhaps they could have a chat, just for old times sake. It might even help Spock get his focus back.

 

“How you doing, Mr. Spock?” McCoy asked later as he handed the Vulcan some champagne at the wedding reception.

“I do not understand it,” Spock replied. “Warren has such a keen intellectual mind. Why would he waste time and energy and THOUGHT in such a haphazard way.”

“Well, it’s the old birds and bees thing, Mr. Spock,” McCoy answered amiably. “It comes over all of us eventually. Even you, if you’d let it.”

“That will not happen anytime soon, Dr. McCoy,” Spock replied with a glare. “I will not allow it.”

“From what I’ve always heard, and experienced, allowing doesn’t have anything to do with it. Love just happens. Why, that crazy little Cupid could be flying around here right now, shooting his arrows every which way. Hard telling where they’ll land next. Maybe even in your hard heart, Mr. Spock.“

“Never!“

“Now don’t go pissing off Cupid. Or daring him. Or he’ll pair you up with the bawdiest braying jackass in the universe!”

“There are times that I thought that he has already done that.”

“What?!”

“Well, it probably was not Cupid. More than likely, it was probably the Devil.”

“Now that sounds like an appropriate Cupid for you.”

Jim Kirk walked up. “Gentlemen. Enjoying yourself?”

“The social event of the season?” McCoy asked. “Trying to recover from the suddenness of it, don’t you mean?” Then he rolled his eyes toward Spock. “Or that it even happened, at all.”

“That’s what can happen with love,” Kirk agreed. “It’s on no time schedule. Cupid, that little rascal, can strike at any time.”

“That’s what I was just saying to Mr. Spock.” McCoy’s eyes let Jim know that he was a little worried about Spock. “But I don’t know if Spock heard me. I think that champagne is starting to affect him.”

“Alcoholic beverages do not affect Vulcans,” Spock reminded him.

“Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard it all before. No matter what you say, though, you’re starting to look a little green around the gills.”

“Green is a natural color for my complexion.”

“Alright. You’ve starting to look a little red around the gills. Better?”

“I am not a fish, Doctor. Nor do I have gills.”

“He’s coming out of the shock, Jim. He’s starting to get all pissy on us again.”

Kirk looked at the newlyweds. “Well, they do look happy. At least, that’s something we got right. And we hadn‘t even been aiming for it.”

McCoy grinned. “If this space exploring thing ever goes sour on us, maybe we take up new work. The Enterprise could be the Love Boat of the universe. Just think of it! Wedding chapels where missiles are now stored! Honeymoon suites tucked away in every little nook and cranny.” He drew a horizontal line across the space in front of his face. “Soft, romantic music thrilling through the loudspeakers instead of your voice barking orders! Champagne and caviar at every meal! It could be a lovers’ paradise!”

Kirk grinned. “I could be marrying more people than they do in Las Vegas!”

“I tell you, Jim, we could make this work! And I’m certain we could convince the crew of it! They’d like chasing bouquets better than fighting Romulans!” He glanced at Spock. “Except maybe Spock here. He might be worse than Simon Legree, trying to break up romance.”

Kirk grinned. McCoy was teasing Spock again.

McCoy feigned thought. “On the other hand, Spock just might take a liking to the change. Can’t you just see him in a white suit, being the main host for weddings? He’d be a natural! Such reserve! Such decorum! So courtly! The ladies would all fall in love with his dignity!” He gave Spock a stripping look up and down. “If not his other attributes.” 

Kirk laughed out loud. Come on, Spock, he thought. Strike back. Don’t disappoint me. 

Or McCoy.

Spock gave McCoy a haughty look. “And where will you be while I am enjoying the company of all of those admiring ladies? Treating gonorrhea and herpes down in sickbay? Some of those couples might not be as careful as they should have been, and guess who gets to treat them?” He drew himself up proudly. “A most noble endeavor on your part, Doctor. And very appropriate. Your skills should be quite adequate. And if they are not, you can always rely on your time proven reliance on your drums and rattles.”

“Why, you--” And McCoy was off.

Kirk grinned in contentment. He felt the universe move back into place. Spock and McCoy were back to harassing each other again. Hopefully, their little ‘vacation’ from each other had shown them that they were more comfortable with the status quo before Mr. Toban, Mr. Warren, and Aggie made appearances. Kirk knew he certainly was.

At the moment McCoy turned to make his point to Spock, Spock suddenly snorted in surprise, grabbed his hip as if he'd been shot, and turned to accost whoever had hit him. His sudden movements startled someone who was walking behind McCoy. That person bumped into McCoy and made him lose his balance. Then several things happened all at once.

“Why, you--” McCoy started to say to Spock.

“Oh, excuse me, Dr. McCoy. Are you alright?”

Spock saw that McCoy was pushed sideways and would fall.

Spock grabbed for McCoy.

His drink and McCoy’s drink slopped all over McCoy’s uniform.

All that Spock caught of McCoy was an arm. But it was enough.

McCoy’s other hand flew up and grabbed Spock’s free hand.

Spock’s mouth dropped open. He looked stunned at McCoy. He didn‘t move. He couldn't.

“Spock?” Kirk asked. “Are you alright?”

That seemed to wake Spock up.

“Yes, I am, Captain.” He released McCoy and looked at his uniform.

“You appear to have been christened, Doctor, and very thoroughly.”

“I sure have been, Spock. Perhaps I should change out of these wet clothes.”

“Good idea, Doctor. I will assist you.”

With that, Spock followed McCoy out of the room.

Well, wasn’t that nice, Kirk thought. Those two are back to being friendly again. And helping each other.

Wait a minute! What the hell?!

When did McCoy need help changing his uniform?!

Spock’s hand! McCoy had grabbed Spock’s hand!

And that meant rough sex to a Vulcan!

Was Spock now planning more rough sex with the Earthling whose hand had grabbed his?! Sort of a glad-to-be-back-together-again party?! And this has been long overdue between us?! Of course, all along the bickering has simply been sexual tension between us. Wanna take Warren's advice? Wanna get naked and solve this the old-fashioned way? Do you want me to rip that soggy uniform off you and take you on a ride through the stars that you will never forget?! Either way, Doctor, I am having you tonight! So take a deep breath! That is the only warning that you are getting! Laughter? That is a strange reaction. Tears?! Oh, my sweet Earthling! I will change those tears to shouts of joy! Do you doubt me? I thought not. Get ready, my dear, sweet Earthling. We will make the angels weep in envy! And then sing anthems of rapture for us! And I swear that I will hold you in my arms forever. I am never letting you go, Doctor McCoy. Because I love you, and it is high time that you were realizing that. You are mine from this day forth. And you will not ever want it any other way.

Why the hell not! Jim Kirk decided. Why not let them get naked and sweaty?! At least, it’d give Spock and McCoy something to do besides bickering. Or while bickering. Who knew with those two?! They might use bickering for foreplay, just the way Chris and Aggie had done.

Kirk cautiously looked around the room. That damn Cupid had to be lurking around here somewhere. The little rascal might not be contended just to shoot Spock.

If Cupid could take out Spock, the little bastard had to be watched. Hard telling where his arrows would land next. 

Kirk sure as hell didn’t want it to be his ass.

He thought he heard the tinkle of merry laughter just above the crowd just before he felt the sting.

What was that sharp pain in his ass?!

Cupid, you brat! Stop that!

"Well, hello there, young lady. And are you new to the Enterprise?"

**Author's Note:**

> I own nothing of Star Trek, its story lines and/or characters.


End file.
